Sunday, December 12, 2004
Art Project I
You will need:
1 large blast furnace (at least 50 feet to a side) capable of softening steel
2 tungsten tongs (at least 33 feet long)
1 tungsten cylinder of diameter 6.5 feet (optional)
at least 5 acorns of Quercus shumardii, Q. falcata, Q. pagoda, Q. phellos, Q. muehlenbergii, or Q. virginiana, or some combination of these, depending on location and soil characteristics
1 empty railroad boxcar
50 gallons of spray-on rustproofing polymer (for best results: use transparent/-lucent polymer)
1 6-by-8-foot rectangle of chicken wire
1. Insert boxcar into blast furnace with tongs (held by bulldozers).
2. When boxcar begins to soften, use tongs (held by bulldozers) to bend the boxcar into a circle. You may find it useful to use a tungsten cylinder as a template.
3. When the boxcar has been reshaped, remove from heat and allow to cool.
4. Once cooled, apply rustproofing polymer according to the manufacturer directions. Multiple coats may be beneficial, though a single coat should suffice if one is attentive to covering all surfaces.
5. Allow polymer to set.
6. Place boxcar in desired location.
7. In the center of the circle formed by the boxcar, plant the acorns. Be sure to leave a few inches between them, to give them a chance to sprout.
8. Form chicken wire into a cylinder, and anchor it in the ground so that it surrounds the acorns. This will protect them against squirrels and other pests.
9. Wait for acorns to sprout. If, after six to twelve months, there are no oak seedlings, remove chicken wire and begin again at step 7.
10. When seedlings are about 3 feet tall, remove chicken wire.
11. Wait 100-200 years.
12. The oak, as it grew, should have lifted the boxcar and grown around and into it. Minor adjustments may be made to the positioning of the boxcar, by using future technology to adjust its location. (CAUTION! Tree branches may be somewhat brittle! Despite rustproofing, the boxcar may also be fragile! Do not attempt to manipulate tree or boxcar without remote-control matter-teleportation technology!)
13. The final version should give the appearance of a boxcar which has been thrown into a tree and bent into its curved position. If results are unsatisfactory, repeat from step 1.