you will need:
one lint brush
20 oz. semisweet chocolate
one square of origami paper
one copy of Document album (REM, 1987)
500 g calcium chloride
5 gallons deionized water
modeling clay in at least three colors (may substitute Play-Doh™)
one medium carrot, peeled
one Phillips-head screwdriver
one 750-mL bottle of Black Velvet brand Canadian whiskey
Southern Baptist preacher (optional)
one nine-inch round cake pan
1. Beg with left hand.
2. Rotate pan 180 degrees.
3. Fold lengthwise and tear along fold into two equal strips.
4. Blend in brown sugar until the mixture has a creamy texture.
5. Wait twenty minutes.
6. Repeat steps 3-6.
7. Rinse with an equal volume of water.
8. Flex at top of curl and hold for fifteen seconds.
9. Keep out of reach of children for fifteen minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.
10. Fold up from base until top of fold is three inches from the edge of the sheet.
11. Heat above burner while stirring and add 1.5 mL of EDTA (ethylenediaminetetraacetate, 1M in water).
12. Declare victory.
13. Ignite blowtorch and turn over top card. Insert floppy disc into drive and wait for system response.
14. A box will appear asking you if you wish to retry. Click the "yes" button.